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Box of Fear

As the parent of a child with a chronic health condition you live with a secret fear.  Even though most people never see it, you smile, you have faith, you live day to day believing the best.  But deep, deep down inside locked in a box with the key tucked in another safe place, lives this fear.  The one that says you know their life will be shorter, you know if you are not vigilant the worst could happen, you know that there is nothing you can do. Fear isn't always bad.  Fear keeps you on your toes, it makes it impossible to not be aware, it moves you forward when you might give up.  Fear is also crippling which is why it is stuffed away in the box. The funny thing about fear is what triggers it.  For me it's watching other parents experience what my fear says is one day in store for me.  That the unspeakable can happen.  This week I watched as a community suffered, as parents wept and as friends wore purple and prayed.  I know that it is...
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17 Years of Motherhood

In three days my oldest son will be 17 years old.  Everyday I seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about this.  Not about how sad I am he's 17.   Just thinking about the fact that, 17 years ago my whole life changed and in those 17 years my whole life has continued to change.  Not sure if it's like this for you, but it's like I suddenly see my life has an equator that was drawn 17 years ago.  It definitely divides my life into before I was a mother and after I was a mother.  I was also thinking about the fact that 17 years ago my dad made a video for Aaron to watch on his 18th birthday.  Wow, I don't know if any of us will be able to do it.  On that video are many people who have left us.  My Grandmother and Grandfather Miller, Mema Jordan, Uncle Gail, Uncle Johnny, Aunt Wanda, I am afraid I have forgotten who else is on their that has passed, it will be a gasping crying fest!! For me my sons birth meant restoration.  He i...
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Blender

                                                                   JUST A THOUGHT                          My friend and I were talking about singing.  I stated, " I am a blender, I can match the lead and blend to their voice, but sometimes it's hard to lead."  My friend's husband piped up and said, you are a Blender.   He didn't mean anything by it, but I can't get it out of my head.                        ...
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It's Hard To Stand Still!!!

                                                                          When I was in college, I played on a girl's flag football team.  We played against other girl dorm's on campus.  It was the end of the season and we were in the final tournament.  I was playing a back on defense, and the girl had the ball and she was basically just standing there.  We were lined up in away that she couldn't get passed any of us.  Standing there waiting for the move, she was so open, all anyone needed to do was run up there and pull her flag.  I couldn't stand it anymore, I ran.  The minute I moved from my sp...
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Happy Birthday!!

Today is my son's 9th birthday!!  It is very exciting for him.  His bestest friends are coming over, his favorite cake is being served, and the pinata that he made me buy last July is set up and ready to go!!  There are balloons and songs of happiness.  So why do I feel a little sad? I know the obvious reasons.  He is the youngest of my three children.  My journey of motherhood ends with him.  Sure one day it will change into a different type of motherhood, but the my life revolves around needing and loving my mom will end.  He was the last one I taught to walk, potty trained, taught to read, and it is sad to see each phase end knowing that it will never be repeated in this way. I remember the day this little guy was born.  It wasn't completely a happy day either.  We were expecting a 10lb baby to be born on July 19th.  Instead we had a 4lb 3 oz baby born on June 19th.  He was whisked  out of my room and out of my sigh...
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Around the Mulberry Bush

So, do you remember the children's rhyme:                             Here we go round the Mulberry Bush the Mulberry Bush the Mulberry Bush.                            Here we go round the Mulberry Bush so early in the morning!! Why do you think we were going around that bush?  As a little child it was fun running around in circles.  It didn't matter that there was no destination.  It didn't matter that we were wasting time.  It didn't matter whether we skipped or ran or slowly made it round that bush.  We were free. As an adult I watch my child skip around the bush and I pat my toe impatiently.  Doesn't he know I have some place to be?  Doesn't he know it's hot and I am just standing h...
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MisUsed!!

I was watching the news today and a popular morning host is sadly going through her second battle with a life threatening illness. She stood in front of the camera and said, "It's all okay, I know that God would not give me more than I can handle." Now, if you are like me, you have said this before, you have heard it said before and most of us believe this is true!! Why is it so comforting to believe this? If you serve a God that chooses to smite you at will does that show he truly loves you?? In the counseling business we call that an abusive partner and suggest you flee the situation. Now, am I suggesting that you flee your true belief in God, NO!! I am suggesting that we look at the scripture all this nonsense is based on; see if it is truly God having a bad day and dumping illness on us because he loves us or is this bad doctrine. An urban myth that has been passed down from church pulpit to church pulpit. Before I give my take on all this I ...
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